Alone!

Missing my friends.Any where and every where I look, I can see them.I can feel them.

I don't feel like calling and speaking to them.I just feel there is nothing much to talk at the moment.

I miss S.We are not in good terms.I was the one who made all the mistakes.At times I regret.I did apologize and she is fine with it now.Anytime I call,I know she'll talk.But I am not sure how far that will be real because, I feel guilty and I always have this pre-occupied statement "she hates me and she talks to me because she just have to and I called her"I just can't get rid of this statement.I know she will be happy to help me out anytime,be it happy moments or sad moments.Yet I don't feel like. I message and mail her once in a while.But I don't call her.Its been 2.5 yrs now.I share everything to her virtually in my imagination.The reality is different.Have sent mails and she replied too..Not sure why I can't be the same.I hate to talk the past to her.Without talking the past , I don't want to talk to her the present also.errr...I'm one psych.

I feel guilty and I feel this is the punishment I give to myself.I will not call her.I need this sort of punishment.Just that I don't forgive myself for losing her from my life.I will still say all the imp event happening in my life.But life can never be the same again.

Just wish some sort of magic happens and she'll cal me.I really really hope and pray.magics never happen! We need to create them..ah..

Sometimes in life its nice to have tooo many friends.Having 4-5 ppl and losing one.You will feel the void.On the other hand im sure, if we have many people surrounding us , we will eventually forget the one lost and continue with others. I so hate my self for not gaining many people around me.Not only for this incident, many people are needed.I realize it.They make us realize we are not alone.

Lonely.. Im so lonely.